Opportunities To Talk To Your Kids About Sex Are Everywhere
How a Potentially Doomed Embroidery Project Led to a Convo About Reproduction
I am not someone who is good at detail work. Though I admire the baking prowess of the folks on Instagram, I am at my best when I can just plop dough onto a pan, slide it into the oven, and drizzle the turd-shaped aftermath with frosting. When I go to Paint n’ Sip classes, I often go rogue, popping happy little bird silhouettes in between the not-so-happy-looking trees.
And then there is sewing, a thing I most definitely do not do.
I, Steph Auteri, a grown-ass woman, has her husband hem her pants for her, stitch up ripped seams, and affix Girl Scout badges to Girl Scout uniforms. And yet… when I saw this uterus embroidery kit on Etsy, I decided it was something I was capable of doing.
Reader: It took me over an hour to thread the needle.
Anyway. I eventually got there. I thread the needle with a needle threader, which immediately broke. I ordered a 24-pack of replacement needle threaders. And then, with the help of YouTube, Google, and fierce determination, I made a uterus.
I know. You don’t care. No one cares.
But I swear there’s a legitimate reason I’m telling you this story.
One evening, watching me stitch the final few French knots onto my project, my daughter asked why one side of the uterus looked different than the other. TBH, I hadn’t even noticed, as I was too busy trying to figure out what a French knot was. But when I saw what she was referring to, I got nerd-level excited.
“Ooh!” I squealed. “That ovary is releasing an egg into the fallopian tube!”
That question led to another… and then another… and then another… all of which built into a delightful and informative conversation about reproduction.
I was so darn thrilled to be having a conversation about sexuality that was inspired by an embroidery project, of all things, that I made a video about it for Instagram.
In the video, I talk about being open to these sorts of conversations, and about using them as building blocks to create a foundational knowledge of sexuality that can grow to be more complex and more nuanced over time.
But I know these conversations can feel scary or awkward, so I wanted to share some tips here.
Be on the lookout for natural conversation starters. Sitting someone down for The Sex Talk is, of course, going to feel awkward if you treat it as The One and Only Sex Talk. Instead, think of it as an ongoing conversation you intend to have with your kid over the span of years, a conversation that will evolve as your child gains knowledge and maturity. This will be made easier if you use the shows they’re watching, the songs they’re listening to and, hell, embroidery projects as jumping-off points for dialogue. Outspoken Sex Ed has some great resources for this sort of thing if you find it’s not coming easily to you.
Let their questions guide you. There’s a lot of chatter about what’s “appropriate” for our kids to know. My feeling is: If they’re asking a question about something, they deserve an honest answer, as it’s obviously on their radar. And if they don’t get answers from you, they’ll go looking elsewhere.
Determine what they’re actually asking. The answer to “Where do babies come?” can be different depending upon how old your child is and what they already know. As I mention in my video, my answer used to be: “Babies grow in a person’s uterus.” And that response was satisfying. Eventually, my child wanted to know more, so I added that the baby slides on out of the vaginal canal. A bit after that, we dug deeper into ovaries and eggs and sperm. Eventually, my child learned a simple definition of penetrative intercourse, plus a grab bag of info on IUI, IVF, surrogacy, and adoption. Again, these conversations are like building blocks or puzzle pieces and, as we slowly put it all together for them, they’ll come to see the whole picture.
Find out what they already know. This builds upon the previous tip. And all you have to do is ask! “What have you already heard about so and so?” “What do you think happens in that scenario?” “What do you already know?”
If you don’t know the answer to something, suggest you look it up together. Many of us didn’t get much of a sex education when we were growing up, so it makes sense that we may not have all of the answers. Having all of the answers is not our job. Being supportive and affirming of our kids is. So consider peeping some of the resources on the Guerrilla Sex Ed site to help guide these conversations. Because if your kids get the sense that you’re not open to talking, they won’t be comfortable coming to you with their more complex questions in the future.
Remember that this is a conversation. First and foremost, kids just want their parents to treat them with respect and to approach these conversations as actual conversations rather than as directives from on high. They want to be listened to and taken seriously.
I know you can handle this. You got this. And I’ve got you.
Full Disclosure: Sex Ed in the News
Obviously, the biggest piece of news is the fact that the Supreme Court has opted to look the other way and not block Texas's new 6-week abortion ban, SB8. This is terrifying, but it also feels inevitable.
The NYT has an explainer on how this new abortion law works.
Christine Grimaldi, for SELF, reminds us that this is only the first of many terrible laws we're likely to see.
Jessica Mason Pieklo of Rewire News Group points out that power grabs like these are only a precursor to the snatching away of other civil rights.
I’d just like to say that if these abortion opponents were truly pro-life, they’d be in support of comprehensive sexuality education, accessible healthcare, and other forms of systemic support. No link here. Just a hard truth.
Aside from that, here’s a fascinating piece by Alys Brooks on how medical students are pushing for additional training on more inclusive healthcare, including a rethinking of the gendered language we often use around that care. For some tips in that area, sexual health educator Clarissa Herman created these fantastic graphics on the gender-neutral language we can use to talk about reproduction and anatomy.
The governor of Illinois signed the Keeping Youth Safe and Healthy Act (IL SB 818), which creates age-appropriate learning standards for public schools that decide to teach comprehensive personal health and safety education (grades K-5) and comprehensive sexual health education (grades 6-12).
Meanwhile, the Senate in Massachusetts also approved the Healthy Youth Act (S2534), which means it heads to the House next.
Health educator Ellen Friedrichs makes a case for teaching kids about pleasure, insisting that it will help them grow up safer and healthier. (I agree.)
And in more unsavory news, Cara Delevingne, model and co-owner of the sex toy company Lora DiCarlo, wore a "Peg the Patriarchy" top to the Met Gala without giving even an eensy bit of credit to Luna Matatas, the artist and educator who actually coined and copyrighted the phrase. Educator Dirty Lola has a great video on why this is super problematic… and also nothing new.
This Month’s Sex Educator Spotlight
Over at the Guerrilla Sex Ed blog, I share an interview with Justine Ang Fonte, M.Ed., MPH. Click through to read of her determination in getting students the information they need, how she creates boundaries and space for self-care, and what the most rewarding aspect of this work is (spoiler alert: there’s an absolute tearjerker of a letter in there).
What’s New with Guerrilla Sex Ed
I spent hours updating the state legislation pages on the site. Do you know the sex ed laws in your state? Head on over for a quick snapshot.
I created a list of 10 Sex Ed Books to Help You Survive from Babydom to Young Adulthood. If you’re reading this newsletter because you stumbled upon it randomly and are not actually signed up to receive it in your inbox on a monthly basis, subscribe to receive this free gift!
It's been just over a year now since I launched Guerrilla Sex Ed, the backbone of which is the searchable, filter-friendly database of resources... heavy on the books, because I am a big ol' book nerd.
This entire time, GSE has been a passion project for me, and it very much remains something I'm passionate about. However, maintaining the site without support often feels unsustainable.
In 2022, I have grand plans to build out the site with some pay-to-play options like email courses, online workshops, a virtual book club, and more.
Until that happens, however, I've set up a storefront on Bookshop.org that allows you to simultaneously support both GSE and your favorite indie bookshops. Ten percent of every purchase made through my shop goes to me and GSE, and another 10% goes to support independent bookstores.
The GSE book list incorporates all the titles in the site's database. And at my main page, you'll find some of my other favorite reads.
If you see value in what I'm doing, I'd love it if you made your book purchases through my shop.