Reactions Are Louder Than Words
Our Kids Are Learning From Us All the Time... Even When We Don't Say a Thing
The other day, just home from school, having shed hoodies and backpacks and spread homework and take-home worksheets across the kitchen table, my 7-year-old daughter launched herself at my body and wrapped her arms around me for a hug.
“You’re so squooshy,” she said, pressing her face into my middle and legit kneading my love handles. “You’re so squooshy!”
I’ve been sensitive about my weight lately. I’ve been to a string of doctors in recent months and one of them fat-shamed me. I’ve been feeling defensive ever since. So, at that moment, as my daughter treated me like a human-sized squish ball, my first instinct was to flinch away or to chastise her for speaking about my body in that way.
Instead, I hugged her tighter to me, lifted her up, swung her around in a circle. I accepted her comment about my squooshiness as the expression of love I knew it to be.
“You’re my squooshy,” I said and kissed the top of her head.
And just like that, I showed her that there was nothing wrong with being squooshy.
It wasn’t about my words, exactly. I didn’t give her a dissertation on fat-phobia and the pejoration of language.
The secret sauce was in my overall reaction.
The same idea applies when it comes to the conversations we have about sexuality. When my daughter stumbles upon one of my vibrators and asks me what it is… when she asks me how babies are made… when she wonders about puberty… when it will happen… how it will change her… the way I react lets her know that those questions are okay for her to ask and that those topics are nbd.
Just the other day, my daughter asked to see how I insert my menstrual cup. After taking a quick, silent moment to mourn the death of privacy in my life for the rest of all time (I mean, my god, I’d finally reached the point where I was able to poop alone again; I thought I was home free!) and assessing my own comfort levels, I showed her the cup, demonstrated how I folded it, slid it into my vagina, and explained how it collected menstrual blood.
“Wow, Mommy,” she said. “You did that so fast.”
I mean, who else is going to applaud my menstrual cup insertion technique?
Even when I’m embarrassed by a question or a comment, and even when I’m at a loss as to how to respond, I am intentional about reacting with nonchalance. I want her to know that the things she asks about are normal. And I want her to know that I will always be here for her, whatever questions or conundrums she may have.
Our kids are constantly learning from us, and not just from the things we say. They also learn from:
How we say things. Are we responding with openness and enthusiasm, or are we responding with anger, disgust, or dismissiveness?
Body language. Is that a look of terror on our faces? Embarrassment? Do we turn our bodies away when they ask about something that makes us uncomfortable?
Silence. Do we refuse to answer their questions? Shut them down? Tell them they’re not old enough to know? Do we treat certain topics as if they’re taboo?
In everything we do, we show them our values around sexuality and body image and all the rest of it, and they internalize those values, carrying them into the future. We do this without even meaning to.
So ask yourself: What lessons are you giving your kids? And how might you become the person they turn to again and again whenever they have questions?
Full Disclosure: Sex Ed in the News
For Book Riot, Danika Ellis writes of how librarians in Wyoming are facing possible charges for carrying sex education books in their stacks. This comes close on the heels of other stories of censorship across libraries and school systems.
SIECUS has released a new fact sheet on what comprehensive sex education is and why it’s so essential for the sexual and relational development of our kids.
The U.S. Department of Education, meanwhile, has released a fact sheet on how students, educators, and family members can support intersex students.
For all of my fellow nerds, I loved this Smithsonian Magazine story from Sharon Spaulding about a 1929 sex ed pamphlet that sparked controversy and led to a landmark censorship case. Spaulding is working on a book about the author of that pamphlet — women’s rights activist Mary Ware Dennett — and I cannot wait.
And just for funsies, have a listen to this fun “Va-Gi-Na” song from Schmigadoon, a parody of The Sound of Music’s “Do-Re-Mi.” I also covered it (badly) in my Instagram feed.
This Month’s Sex Educator Spotlight
Over at the Guerrilla Sex Ed blog, I share an interview with Shafia Zaloom. Click through to read of how good sex ed takes a village, how Shafia meets people where they’re at, and which sex educators she’d want posters of to hang on her bedroom wall.