By the time you read this, you’ll have made it through the gauntlet of winter holidays. The onslaught of holiday parties you’d rather not go to and the dishes you have to make for them. The hugs and kisses your extended family try to force upon your kids. The obligatory gifts and cards. The new year.
Just typing that paragraph made me tense up. But that’s because, in the past, I haven’t had firm, healthy boundaries in place.
Earlier this month, I attended the National Sex Ed Conference, for which I was on the planning committee. I love this conference because, not only do I get to pick up tips on how to be a better sex educator, but I also get to pick up tips on how to be a better parent.
There were a ton of presentations I loved this year. But relevant to our interests here was Justine Ang Fonte’s presentation on daring to deliver intersectional sex ed. Because what came up during their session was the idea of setting boundaries in order to maintain one's overall health and well-being, and they tied this concept of boundary-setting back to the lessons they share with their students around consent.
"The thing about consent education that I think a lot of people don't realize,” they said, “is that it has to do with setting boundaries and respecting other people's boundaries. It's not just an enthusiastic, freely given, engaged ‘yes’ and then you're done with consent education. It's about practicing consent every single day, every moment, in all of your interpersonal relationships.”
And how do you do that?
“Part of that,” explained Fonte, “is recognizing: What are your boundaries? What are the things you need to feel comfortable... to feel safe? And who are the people that can really cultivate that safety for you?"
After the conference, I read Nedra Glover Tawab's Set Boundaries, Find Peace. In it, Tawab explains why boundaries are so important, and then shares how to set healthy boundaries. Was it specific to parenting? No. But here’s the thing. When so much of our kids’ learning comes from the behaviors we model to them, learning how to effectively set those boundaries is an essential skill. How better to teach your kids about consent?
I’ll admit: Teaching my 7-year-old about boundaries and consent is a moving target. For one, mornings and bathroom time often look like this:
And yes, I may or may not have been looking for any excuse to use a Bluey gif…
But the point stands. My child does not understand that I want to ease into my day, and also to poop alone. I have to remind her (every single time) that it’s important for her to respect my boundaries and afford me privacy.
On top of that, my daughter also loves to weaponize my words against me:
At which point I need to remind her that it's my job to keep her safe and healthy and, someday, she’ll be able to make those safe and healthy choices for herself.
On the whole, however, I think we’re doing okay in the consent department. And you can, too. Here are some boundaries you might want to set that will show your kids consent in action, that will teach them the glories of bodily autonomy, and that will help them figure out what healthy boundaries might look and feel like for them:
Ask for permission before showing physical affection, and ask that they do the same for you.
In fact, ask for consent in all everyday interactions, whether you’re fixing their hair or fixing to share a silly story about them with someone else.
Teach them to respect your “no” or your “stop”—the first time you say it—and make sure there are clear consequences when they don’t.
Check in with your kids when you’re playing together to make sure they’re still feeling okey-dokey.
If you work from home (like I do), make it clear to your child that your home office is sacrosanct, and that the more times they interrupt you, the longer it will take for you to actually finish your goddamn work and spend time with them FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! (No? Just me?)
See? Simple, right?
To bolster these lessons, I recommend you check out some of the resources in my online database, including Can I Give You a Squish?, Consent (for Kids!), and I Said No!
Happy boundary setting, folks!
Full Disclosure: Sex Ed in the News
For Teen Vogue, Claire Sibonney writes about how artists and media are combating vulva shame by showing the diversity that exists in our body parts.
Are your older kids on TikTok? I’m too old and uncool to really be on TikTok, but I do so love scrolling through. And it turns out TikTok is good for more than just memes and adorable cat videos. At Refinery29, Eliza Dumais shares how the platform might be the future of sex ed.
My Favorite New Sex Ed Resource
If you’re having trouble modeling boundary setting because, like me, you find saying “no” to be hard as hell, allow me to recommend Fonte’s new Instagram account: @_good.byes_. On this account, Fonte describes themself as “your friendly ghostwriter” and creates customized boundary scripts you can use in your day-to-day life. I legit used one on gift-giving just last week, to great success.