What's the Toughest Part of the Holiday Season?
(Hint: It has nothing to do with untangling the lights...)
Well, folks… we made it. We survived Thanksgiving. Persnickety turkey, problematic origin story, and all.
Don’t get complacent, though. There is still a gauntlet of holiday parties before us, circumstances during which we’ll be forced to interact with family members we don’t necessarily see on a regular basis… for good reason. (Can you tell I’m a misanthropic, socially anxious, introverted recluse?)
At these parties, there will be family members who turn up their noses at your Black Lives Matter sign. Family members who try to force hugs and kisses on your kids, in direct opposition to the lessons you’ve given them about consent and body autonomy. There will even be family members who insist, out of the flipping blue, that “it” is a better pronoun than “they” because it’s “grammatically correct,” never mind the fact that we’ve been using the singular “they” in conversation for years. 🙄
It’s so hard to send your kid out into the world, to school, to camp, to large groups of people who may not have been brought up with the same values as you, to teachers who teach your kids things you feel to be untrue.
It’s harder still when the people contradicting your lessons about gender, sexuality, and consent are the people who are closest to you.
When it comes to holiday gatherings, there’s nowhere to hide.
So how might you handle those awkward moments this holiday season, so that you’re reinforcing the lessons you’ve so painstakingly imparted to your child?
Don’t lose your crap. This may just be me, but I instantly revert to moody 13-year-old mode when I’m around family. And when I’m there and folks say or do something that makes me cringe, I get… emotional. Don’t be like me. Instead of pointing fingers, perhaps embarrassing the other person or putting them on the defensive, tell them how you feel about what was just said, explain what you’ve been teaching your child about the topic at hand, and share why it’s so important to you, perhaps even on a personal level. They’ll likely be more open to hearing what you have to say if they don’t feel attacked.
Set boundaries. We all approach parenting differently. And we are all somewhat set in our ways. So, if someone screws up once after you’ve asked them nicely to not say or do A Thing (for example, continuing to make fatphobic jokes in front of your child… or ever), cut them some slack, gently remind them that it’s not okay, and perhaps re-explain why. If they continue to screw up, steamrolling over the boundaries you’ve set because they obviously don’t respect them, make it clear that there will be consequences.
Lead by example. In last month’s newsletter, I wrote that actions (and reactions) are louder than words. Our kids learn so much from what we do, say, and don’t say. The same can be true for friends and family. Model what you want to teach your kids and others may follow suit.
Offer learning resources. As I mentioned above, I can get emotional and also a little bit incoherent when it comes to contentious conversations. In some cases, I just know that I’m not the best person to explain a thing to someone who’s perhaps resistant to hearing it. This is when I call in the big guns: PEOPLE WHO ARE SMARTER THAN ME aka authors. I mean, are you surprised? Book recommendations are kind of my jam.
Regroup later on. By which I mean that you should take some time to decompress after the horrors of what you’ve just experienced and then maybe, when you feel ready, have a chat with your child about what they may have seen or heard and how they feel about it.
Godspeed everyone, and enjoy the rest of your holiday season. You’re doing the hard work here, but it will be worth it.
Full Disclosure: Sex Ed in the News
In the December issue of the Journal of Adolescent Health, you’ll find a piece about how school-based sex ed in the U.S. is at a crossroads.
New research shows that adolescents in the U.S. are receiving less sex ed in key topics than they were 25 years ago. Fantastic.
Vermont is the first state to require access to condoms in all middle and high schools. You go, Vermont!
In Texas, the state Board of Education is refusing to recommend several health textbooks because of their content on masturbation and abortion, and the lack of emphasis on abstinence. Sigh.
For the New York Times, Mona El-Naggar and Sara Aridi have highlighted the work of activists in Arab countries who are using social media to share important lessons about the body.
Teens in California have taken to the streets to protest sexual harassment and to persuade school administrators to update their sex ed curricula.
This Month’s Sex Educator Spotlight
Over at the Guerrilla Sex Ed blog, I share an interview with Saleema Noon. Click through to read about how smart our kids are, what parents are most afraid of, and how she responds to those who are leery about having sex ed in the classroom.
Hot Take
My Mood at This Very Moment
